Old woman in the desert

I thought she would be waiting for me somewhere, the old woman of the desert, the old woman in the soul cards. She was calling me back to the desert, bringing me home, but I haven’t found her yet in my search for the perfect place to be. Wouldn’t it be something if she was waiting somewhere, like the mother I have never known, standing with open arms to embrace me as she whispered “I have been waiting for you, welcome home.” Is it possible that this crone is a future me, leading me back to the place I need to be?

As I grow older, I begin to realize how futile it is to change anyone’s mind, and yet changing their minds is the only hope I have to creating a better world for my children. If we, as a society, do not bridge the gap to our higher selves, we are doomed. Humanity, along with thousands of other species will face extinction as the planet warms to an unlivable climate that no longer supports life as we know it.

I am a mother. I watch my youngest children grow and play, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. How long before that is no longer possible? Will they see the end of human civilization in their lifetimes? Will I see it in mine? I am forty five and by several of the newest scientific predictions, the catastrophic end times may begin as soon as 2030. I may very well still be alive to witness a suffering of life that we can only imagine.

I am also a shamanic healer and I notice the shamans are witnessing a dark shadow falling upon the earth that no one can explain. Is this darkness a reflection of the human condition? In America, it would appear that people are sleepwalking, already the zombies they love to fear in the coming dark times. I fear my older children are already lost, victims of consumerism and a mainstream mindset that may cost them their lives.

We are a nation with blood on our hands. Our government has trained living beings to be brainwashed killers against people they do not know. It’s all in the name of what they like to call terrorism. And yet, the terror perpetrated upon this earth is mostly by an imperialist mindset, a holy manifest destiny that America hides behind its patriotism and consumerism. It is this way of thinking that is killing the earth and it is this stubborn close mindedness that will lead us all to an unhappy and miserable end.

No, I can’t seem to change their minds. I try. They argue. They call me names. They disown me. But the last thing they are willing to consider is how their own beliefs and behaviors are creating this sickening spiral, sucking everything into its path, creating a black hole, the likes of which we have never seen before. Perhaps it is this darkness that is reflecting back at us. Maybe it is this shadow of our own hatred, racism, greed and fear that hovers over our Mother Earth, threatening to engulf her in the filth of negativity.

I was recently accepted into Grad School. At my age, I am going back to further my degree so that I can spend the remainder of my life trying harder to convince them to change their minds. I am a mother. I have to try as hard as I can to make this world a safe and livable place for my children and for all children. As parents, we have betrayed our youth, taught them to compete in a dying world for things that do not matter, when instead we should be teaching them to love and nourish a planet that keeps them alive.

As a parent, I can only say I am sorry I did not begin this fight earlier. I should have been trying to change their minds a long time ago, instead of trying to fit into a culture I don’t belong to. I have wasted a lot of time, distracted by shiny things, but now that I have awakened, I can’t just turn it off and go back to the illusion and delusion that is the American way of life. It no longer exists. The empire is toppling and it will drag down every single person who is not paying attention.

The last grab of resources by greedy corporate hands is their last resort to try to fill their coffers to the brim. They have to get it while they can, not realizing nor caring that these resources they pull from the bowels of Mother Earth are her very life blood, and ours too, as her children. Nature sustains us and when we destroy the earth, we destroy ourselves and our home.

Is there any hope then, when the masses do not listen and do not care? They pretend to care, but they are more concerned with who is right and who is wrong, the color of skin, the lines of ownership. They are defined by their stuff and their loyalty to a country that would destroy the entire world population to retain its power and control over the very resources that are creating an inhabitable home for all of us. It just doesn’t make any sense.

I can’t change their minds. Or can I? A spiritual master once said that once we awakened, it was our obligation to awaken others around us and that if we had reached just one other person, we had done something meaningful. In that light, it is all I can do to keep talking, to keep shouting, to keep making noise in the hope that someone, anyone, will shake their head free of the cobwebs of conformity and look around at this mess before us. We have so much work to do and there is so little time.

I am a mother. But I am also a spiritual being placed in this body at this time to accomplish something. This is my something. My father always told me I had a big mouth, and that used to make me cry. Not now, not anymore. My voice is my gift and I will use it until I can no longer speak or write or create. I will be the voice of nature, of Mother Earth and the creatures who call her home. I will be the voice of a humanity, so caught up in its own ego, it can’t see it has cut off its nose to spite its face.

And the old woman in the desert? I will meet her one day, of this I am certain. I can only hope that when she asks, I can tell her I did my best, I fought the good fight, and I gave my everything to saving Mother Earth in the hope that humanity could continue on. That is my duty and my legacy. How does this story turn out? It’s hard to say. In thirty years we can look back and say, it was  a good thing we woke up in time, or too bad we missed our window of opportunity. Which will it be?

A Star is born

Patty finally dropped her cria sometime early this morning. I have my suspicions it might have been around 6am when the dogs started barking like crazy in their kennels in the sun room. Of course it was still dark and we couldn't see anything out there. When the light came, Richard saw an extra set of baby ears out there, so we ran out with towels to investigate. Sure enough, a little llama was already following mama llama around. We found the afterbirth frozen, so it must have been a little while since the actual birth.

New Baby, still covered in gunk.

Patty's little girl.

Star in the sunshine.

We pulled a lot of the dried gunk off of her...the dried up birth sack, but she was still wet and I was worried that the tips of her ears had been frost bitten. So Richard gave the girls some hay to distract them and we took the new baby inside to let her dry in the warm house.

Star in the sun room, inside the house.

The kids had a lot of fun hugging and petting the little cria. You can do that with girl babies (at least, that is my hope). Boy babies will go nuts when they get older if you cuddle them.

Star with a jacket on, getting ready to go back out to Mama.

She's pretty darn cute. 19 pounds. She's actually bigger than Leonardo was when he was born, but she sure seems tiny next to him now.

Leo has gotten so big in the month he's been around. And, he's kind of a brat, always trying to get out of the yard. Just yesterday he climbed through the electric wire, again, and was running around on the boys' side of the pasture. They didn't know quite what to make of the pint sized llama. I chased him back through and Richard put up more wire. He's is certainly testing his boundaries.

So, on this cold, fine Fall morning, we welcomed little Star to our farmstead. She is the second huarizo born here. Thankfully she has the thick fur of her Alpaca daddy, which will help keep her warm these cold nights and mornings.

She's okay. Her ears are fine. Richard washed them off and found it was just dried fluid on the tips, not frostbite. She was completely dry when we took her back out. We left the jacket on her to give her a little added insulation from the cold. Hopefully it will warm up fast this morning.

She's really cute and we are all in love with her already.

Neighbors

Leo and mama

We had a llama escape this week, when little Leonardo climbed through the electric fence and his mama followed him. After running around where he wasn't supposed to, mama llama herded him back through the fence, with Richard following close behind. It turned out the fence was not electrified due to a broken insulator. Richard fixed that and added another wire for good measure.

As he was fixing the fence, Richard met one of our neighbors, who turned out to be really nice. They got to talking and Richard asked him about the pigeons that hang out on one of his outbuildings. Not his, he said. Wild pigeons. He explained how he and his young daughter tried to raise chickens once. They came out one morning to find headless chickens all over the yard. Coyotes, or neighbor dogs, he didn't know which. My guess? Dogs. Coyotes don't leave the kill behind. Dogs kill for sport.

Yet another reason to fence your dogs and not let them run. Unfortunately our other neighbor believes his dogs should run free, regardless of their resulting behaviors on anyone else. It is the country, after all, he tried to explain to me. And a free range state too, he said happily. Are you from the city? He asked several times. Maybe that means I can read and actually know my rights, even if my family and our eight llamas just recently relocated from the suburbs(?). If only he was educated enough to know the actual laws. In Colorado, free range livestock never, never includes dogs. In most Colorado counties, dogs are required to be on a leash when not contained behind a fence. Certainly in this county, I know. Dog owners are entirely responsible for the trespass of their dogs and the damage done by them. And property owners are legally entitled to shoot said trespassing dogs, no questions asked.

Too bad I don't own a gun. Oh, no it isn't, or I'd be one of the "armed" and dangerous, ready to shoot an innocent dog because his owner is an idiot. I'd be more inclined to shoot the owner, but that is simply not allowed. Good thing I don't believe in gun ownership, or killing.

But, I do believe in my right to enjoy my home and land. And, even if we are renting (that moron tried to explain that as a landowner, he has rights...implying, what, I don't? Oh, wait, I do, and I'm a landowner too, in fact we own too much land right now, but he is the ass in assume.), we have as much right to the land use as the owners do. Therefore, dogs harassing me, my kids, and my livestock are a problem and I will involve the law (too bad it comes to that) if need be.

Maybe the country bumpkin neighbor finally looked up the regulations and instead of spouting more crap out of his butt, has realized the error of his stupidity, because the dogs have not been on our side of the fence since my yelling match with him when I caught his dog chasing back and forth along the llama fence, on our property.

Needless to say, the landlords of this wonderful rental sided with tenant rights, as they should, and are standing behind us in the event more idiocracy arises from this.

And, down the road a ways...neighbor Larry and his sweet wife were out when we headed over to the land to drop off boxes in our storage shed/tiny home. (Tiny homes are NOT allowed in this county.) They had been away, spending time with the grand kids. They were worried something had happened to us since we and all of our animals had vanished from our place. We were in turn concerned about them, and wondered if they had headed south for the winter. But no, everyone is fine, except the dog, who had one major, never-ending seizure and died. Up until then, he had not had a seizure at all -- the Magic C oil was working. It turned out he had a brain tumor, and the medicine was too little too late. Too bad. He was the only dog I didn't mind coming onto our property.

I miss being out there, in the quiet and solitude. I miss the coyotes and the big, open sky. I miss my labyrinth and not having to worry about what the neighbors are doing. I think ultimately, I do better without neighbors.

But I do love this warm house. The passive solar is still working well and we are at 70 F inside when the morning temp outside is 13 F. And with no additional heat...just the house itself.

Settling in to Alamosa

So we are about a month into the new rental now. The llamas are all here with us as is Chloe, the pot belly pig. We sold one turkey and the rest went into the freezer. The same for the chickens who haven't laid for months.

Chloe

Then we had to buy store eggs. I didn't mind paying the cost for the  organic eggs, it's what we charge when we sell eggs. But one day no one in town had any, and this last time, I just decided that the "organic" eggs are not living up to my expectations. So I began the search for laying hens. Found some too. I hope they are only one year old as the woman we got them from believed them to be. I traded a box of children's board and picture books for a bunch of chickens. We got three roosters in the mix. Mostly they are Houdans, which is not a breed I am familiar with, so we will see if and how they lay eggs through the winter. So far, they aren't laying at all.

Houdans

We cleaned out the shed on the rental property. Then Richard fixed it up a little and now we have a working chicken coop for the new birds.

shed turned coop

Patty still has not dropped her cria. Leo the haurizo, Taylor's cria is doing great, testing the boundaries of his freedom in the big field that is now his home, along with all of the female llamas. Leo runs circles around his mom, jumping and kicking and having a grand time, I think I even saw him trying to spit, posturing to mom, trying again and again. It sure seems like she was encouraging him...a lesson in llama spitting perhaps.

Llama girls

We have been considering re-homing some of the llamas. And downsizing many things. Richard's new salary is starting to catch up to us and we are not fairing so well financially. I have listed the camper, and both parcels of land for sale. I don't want to give up the dream, but I'm not sure how else we can pay the bills off that we can no longer afford. I'm trying to find like-minded people to perhaps buy into either piece of land and help us form sustainable communities, but interest and funding seems to be lacking.

Llama boys

We did get our first recycle customer this past week, but at $2 a month for his pickup, that will not go far. I hope more people sign up and we can get this thing going. It seems like a good idea for us, for others and for the planet.

We are still trying to sort and clean up our lives in boxes. Some of our stuff we have not seen for years. It's been packed up and stored away. As a result we are purging everything we don't really need or have outgrown. It's a process. It seems I just finish emptying boxes, sorting and cleaning up and a new batch of boxes shows up. On the positive, our storage rental in town is almost empty and we will be done with that at the end of the month.

We have managed to raise a few dollars by selling off some of these bigger items, which has helped a lot.

I passed my first level shaman course and Richard just got his Permaculture Certification. We are always continuing to educate ourselves as the funding allows. It may be a while before we can start anything new.

I have acquired two clients in my healing business, and I expect that will grow over time.

The new rental

We moved into this great rental on five acres.

Rental house outside of Alamosa

It has this lovely passive solar design that heats the entire house. We have not used the heat yet, nor the wood stove. I think we will be just fine in this house over the winter.

We still have to set up fencing for the llamas and get them moved. It's depressing having so much to do and not enough time to get it done.

We are also struggling now with trying to find a new balance with Richard's new income level, which is quite a drop from what it was before. We have both applied for pizza delivery jobs to no avail. Sad, with all of our pizza experience.

I am trying to sell art, trying to get my healing practice up and going, and writing when I can. The kids' online school is taking up most of my life now. And they told me it would be easier. We have been struggling and have decided to move our daughter back into 1st grade with our son. Her ASD (autism spectrum disorder) is wreaking havoc on our schedule, on her attitude and on my patience. Hopefully we can get it sorted out and this adjustment will be better for all of us.

We are trying to decide what to do next. We may have to sell our Taos land, if not our Alamosa land too. It has been a trying time and I suspect we have a ways to go before we figure out our new life situation.