Monday, December 22, 2014

Letting go

Chloe left for her new home yesterday down near Belen, NM, a place I have always wanted to go. Today, I miss her little grunts and snorts as I do my chores outside. I hope she finds love and happiness in her new home. There are a couple of potbellied pigs there and some goats and chickens to keep her company. It certainly is warmer down that way, which I am sure she will appreciate.

Frosty the llama has a new home as well, but we will be keeping him here for a few months until his new owners get their alpacas, which he will stand guard over. I don't have to let him go just yet. It is emotionally draining to re-home the animals I love so much.

Things change quickly when you no longer have the income to take care of your homestead. Of course it is never supposed to be this way. The whole point is to become self-sufficient and have to rely less on outside income. As we continue to bounce around from rental to rental, it becomes more unmanageable to work on our land. As it does when you have to work so many hours to make a living. And there just isn't the money for permits and supplies to build. Not now.

I have tried to enlist others to join in our homestead, to create a community, but there isn't enough real interest, and I probably wouldn't really like living so close to other people anyway. Maybe they sense that.

As a result, we have decided to sell our land. We have both properties listed on Craigslist:

I have decided to go back to college and pursue my Masters since there is a college in Alamosa that has an online program. I will be studying Cultural Resource Management and hope this degree will enable me to actively defend the historical sites as well as ideas and traditions of indigenous and historical peoples. I start in January.

We are considering another relocation, perhaps somewhere north, although I am still inclined to stay in this area, but a little closer to the mountains. In any case, we have a couple of years to decide as I work my way through Grad School.

There has to be hope. I continue to look for it in the dark corners of this crumbling society and my own crumbling dreams. There is no time to give in or give up.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Old woman in the desert

I thought she would be waiting for me somewhere, the old woman of the desert, the old woman in the soul cards. She was calling me back to the desert, bringing me home, but I haven’t found her yet in my search for the perfect place to be. Wouldn’t it be something if she was waiting somewhere, like the mother I have never known, standing with open arms to embrace me as she whispered “I have been waiting for you, welcome home.” Is it possible that this crone is a future me, leading me back to the place I need to be?

As I grow older, I begin to realize how futile it is to change anyone’s mind, and yet changing their minds is the only hope I have to creating a better world for my children. If we, as a society, do not bridge the gap to our higher selves, we are doomed. Humanity, along with thousands of other species will face extinction as the planet warms to an unlivable climate that no longer supports life as we know it.

I am a mother. I watch my youngest children grow and play, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. How long before that is no longer possible? Will they see the end of human civilization in their lifetimes? Will I see it in mine? I am forty five and by several of the newest scientific predictions, the catastrophic end times may begin as soon as 2030. I may very well still be alive to witness a suffering of life that we can only imagine.

I am also a shamanic healer and I notice the shamans are witnessing a dark shadow falling upon the earth that no one can explain. Is this darkness a reflection of the human condition? In America, it would appear that people are sleepwalking, already the zombies they love to fear in the coming dark times. I fear my older children are already lost, victims of consumerism and a mainstream mindset that may cost them their lives.

We are a nation with blood on our hands. Our government has trained living beings to be brainwashed killers against people they do not know. It’s all in the name of what they like to call terrorism. And yet, the terror perpetrated upon this earth is mostly by an imperialist mindset, a holy manifest destiny that America hides behind its patriotism and consumerism. It is this way of thinking that is killing the earth and it is this stubborn close mindedness that will lead us all to an unhappy and miserable end.

No, I can’t seem to change their minds. I try. They argue. They call me names. They disown me. But the last thing they are willing to consider is how their own beliefs and behaviors are creating this sickening spiral, sucking everything into its path, creating a black hole, the likes of which we have never seen before. Perhaps it is this darkness that is reflecting back at us. Maybe it is this shadow of our own hatred, racism, greed and fear that hovers over our Mother Earth, threatening to engulf her in the filth of negativity.

I was recently accepted into Grad School. At my age, I am going back to further my degree so that I can spend the remainder of my life trying harder to convince them to change their minds. I am a mother. I have to try as hard as I can to make this world a safe and livable place for my children and for all children. As parents, we have betrayed our youth, taught them to compete in a dying world for things that do not matter, when instead we should be teaching them to love and nourish a planet that keeps them alive.

As a parent, I can only say I am sorry I did not begin this fight earlier. I should have been trying to change their minds a long time ago, instead of trying to fit into a culture I don’t belong to. I have wasted a lot of time, distracted by shiny things, but now that I have awakened, I can’t just turn it off and go back to the illusion and delusion that is the American way of life. It no longer exists. The empire is toppling and it will drag down every single person who is not paying attention.

The last grab of resources by greedy corporate hands is their last resort to try to fill their coffers to the brim. They have to get it while they can, not realizing nor caring that these resources they pull from the bowels of Mother Earth are her very life blood, and ours too, as her children. Nature sustains us and when we destroy the earth, we destroy ourselves and our home.

Is there any hope then, when the masses do not listen and do not care? They pretend to care, but they are more concerned with who is right and who is wrong, the color of skin, the lines of ownership. They are defined by their stuff and their loyalty to a country that would destroy the entire world population to retain its power and control over the very resources that are creating an inhabitable home for all of us. It just doesn’t make any sense.

I can’t change their minds. Or can I? A spiritual master once said that once we awakened, it was our obligation to awaken others around us and that if we had reached just one other person, we had done something meaningful. In that light, it is all I can do to keep talking, to keep shouting, to keep making noise in the hope that someone, anyone, will shake their head free of the cobwebs of conformity and look around at this mess before us. We have so much work to do and there is so little time.

I am a mother. But I am also a spiritual being placed in this body at this time to accomplish something. This is my something. My father always told me I had a big mouth, and that used to make me cry. Not now, not anymore. My voice is my gift and I will use it until I can no longer speak or write or create. I will be the voice of nature, of Mother Earth and the creatures who call her home. I will be the voice of a humanity, so caught up in its own ego, it can’t see it has cut off its nose to spite its face.

And the old woman in the desert? I will meet her one day, of this I am certain. I can only hope that when she asks, I can tell her I did my best, I fought the good fight, and I gave my everything to saving Mother Earth in the hope that humanity could continue on. That is my duty and my legacy. How does this story turn out? It’s hard to say. In thirty years we can look back and say, it was  a good thing we woke up in time, or too bad we missed our window of opportunity. Which will it be?