Also checked out my Crowley tarot deck (Yeah Susan, I have one too...although it has been a long time...synchronicity) and sure enough as my friend Susan, from Taos, reminded me the Pelican sits there with the Empress, the ultimate Mama and woman of power and strength (I will make it through this).
And one day I saw a single magpie, which I have not seen in these parts...odd, considering the geography, but right on, considering the meaning: anger, which boiled and bubbled inside of me one day last week until it exploded. I do regret that, although it is better to release it than to hold on to it.
We sold the goats. All of them. Richard could no longer milk them. although he tried and twisted his back the few days he did it--the result was another day on the floor or in bed or in the recliner, immobile. I tried too, but maybe not hard enough. It took me too long and they inevitably lost patience with me and started to squirm, lifting legs and sticking feet in the milk bucket...throw the whole batch away and try again tomorrow. I lost patience with trying. And I could not leave my little children alone so long. I chose the mom role rather than the milk maid.
|Goats going to their new home|
Another deciding factor: the kids, who have lost all control of themselves during Richard's down time. Is it the excitement of seeing Dad (on the floor in the living room), or something else? A little nagging voice in my head reminded me of how I used to call them my ADD babies when they were in my womb (how they twisted and tumbled), but the tantrums and the bouncing off the walls, the shrieking and running for the roads when outside, the general craziness begged to be examined. So I did a little research on ADHD, which they might be and found something even more disturbing...so many of their behaviors matched mild cases of Autistic children. Either way, they appear to be on the PDD spectrum or the autistic spectrum. What can I do, I thought? Remove all dairy and gluten from their diet. Should see results in as little as three days or as long as six months. GFCF here we go! Don't need the goats anymore anyway.
The people who bought the whole herd were the same people we bought the three mamas from two years ago. Crazy. They love them already and will take very good care of them.
Richard went back to our Naturopath, who is a remarkable healer, and he walked out of there upright and better than I have seen him since this all began. He did have an MRI, which we don't know the results of, but we are trying to avoid a surgery, and instead are focusing upon spiritual matters. Messages from the Universe come in all forms.While he tries to figure out his issues, I'm trying to work through mine too.
I also sold my 23 baby chicks off to various people. Without the CSA (we sent all the money back to our shareholders), we don't need so many chickens. Eggs are backing up in my fridge.
I've been angry and frustrated. I can't get the gardens ready fast enough. I can't be the mom, the maid, the house cleaner, the cook, the masseuse, the gardener and the stable boy. My head is spinning and my body is so sore. My back is starting to hurt. Hey, maybe I should just sell the llamas too and head to NM and begin again. I search the internet for cheap properties...and Richard gets worse, his legs hurting and cramping (fear of moving) every time I talk of moving to NM.
Stuck back in my cage. I still have my llamas and 20 old hens and three entertaining roosters, two wandering guineas (more neighbors report them in their yards), and no money to hire help. Life is so good right now I can feel it transferring into my body...if something doesn't give I will be on the floor next to Richard. A comedy of errors indeed!
Maybe farming is not for us.
Ah, summer is coming and in rolls the chaos that usually arrives with the heat.
One of the estimates I got on finishing some of the projects (I have been trying, but just can't get it all done) was from our old friend with the Earthship...such a great man, and so spiritually aware. We decided to enlist his help for as much as we can afford...I think we need his wonderful energy as much as his construction expertise. Maybe the llama earthbag barn will get finished before it falls down. Yippee!
We walk blindly through our lives, creating a reality we don't understand or know how to relate to, unaware that we hold the power deep within to change it all.
The hummingbirds are back, buzzing me as I do my outside chores...there's meaning in that too, I know.